One evening last week, I was in the minivan with all three girls on the way to one of our many extracurricular activities. As we were driving, we came upon a young man, probably around 13 or 14, riding a skateboard in the street. As we passed him, one of my girls made a statement that was so incredibly judgmental and prejudiced that I literally gasped. I, of course, sternly reprimanded her and was then left even more flabbergasted by her rebuttal, "But you and Daddy say it!" After some super swift self-reflection, I tried earnestly to clarify any previous statements that she had, obviously, misunderstood. This led to a quite poignant discussion of our freedom to hold beliefs and opinions; our freedom to express those beliefs and opinions; and our responsibility to be non-judgemental regardless of our own opinions. We discussed that it was unfair and mean to assume things about others based solely on their appearance. I think (and hope and pray) that I got my point across and that she understood her mistake. This post is where I try to dissect my mistake that led her to make the statement in the first place.
While I am truly positive that neither my husband nor I have ever made such a narrow-minded, blanket statement, I was reminded that children take in EVERYTHING we say and do. They take all these bits and pieces and put them together in their minds - like a puzzle - to form their view of the world. Sometimes, the picture they create is not at all what we, the parents, intended. Because of that, this parenting gig is a seriously slippery slope. As parents it is our duty to teach our children what is moral and ethical; what is right and wrong. Sometimes this is pretty cut and dry - it is wrong to steal; it is wrong to hit your sister. Sometimes it is not that easy. Sometimes imparting supposed wisdom involves sharing our opinions and our biases. For example, my girls have asked our opinions on the current political race for President. Is it possible to explain our beliefs and our stance without insulting or criticizing the "other side?" Like all Americans, David I definitely lean in one particular direction politically, although we are closer to the middle that we are to either extreme end. Is it how we were raised? Yes - to some extent. Is it based on our experiences and personal convictions? Absolutely. We have, however, been blessed with one daughter in particular who most certainly leans more toward the opposite end of the political spectrum than either of us. It is very plain to see even at her young age. Again, how do we impart what we as parents believe to be "right" without squelching her innate beliefs and convictions?? Are we doing it well? I suppose time will tell.
I guess what it boils down to is this: I most certainly want my children to be open-minded, accepting of others, and not quick to judge. However, David and I have our personal beliefs, our own opinions, and, truthfully, our own biases. When these two concepts collide, parenting gets pretty sticky.
As I was typing this post, I wondered to myself (and out loud to David) whether it was wise to actually post it, fearing that I might offend someone or that someone would read between the lines coming to a mistaken conclusion or that there would be some other sort of backlash. Therefore, I have been intentionally ambiguous which proved to be more difficult than I expected. I took a break from writing it and went for a brisk morning walk which has become my almost daily routine now that the girls are all in school full-time. As I walked accompanied by our dog, Sophie, the sounds of nature, and plentiful sunshine, this analogy came to mind. Regardless of our political beliefs, regardless of our personal experiences, and regardless of the personal opinions we are all entitled to hold, we are all parents performing a tricky balancing act reminiscent of a circus tightrope performance. We are the tightrope walkers, precariously perched on a thin wire high above the ground struggling to balance a incredibly oversized pole as we walk forward. Despite the absurdity of it, we repeat this act over and over again every single day. Our parenting dilemmas are like weights on either end of the pole. Sometimes they are lightweight and tipping in either direction is not terribly detrimental. Pizza or tacos for dinner? Paint the baby's room pink or purple? Give them an extra five minutes to finish their game before bedtime? At other times, it seems we are balancing the weight of the world on the ends of that pole and that even the slightest tip in either direction will end in disaster. Protect them at all costs or let them spread their wings? Impart our beliefs or let them form their own? We tread oh so carefully, hoping to keep our balance. But, we are human and we will make mistakes. It is inevitable. Hopefully, when we fall (fail) after letting the pole tip too far in one direction, we will find a safety net below. That net is made of grace and forgiveness. It affords us the opportunity to recognize our mistakes, then to get up and try again.
The innocence of children and the honesty of their words can frequently slap us in the face with our own mistakes and shortcomings. Our children are a reflection of us, so what do we do when we don't like what is staring back at us?? I think our answer to that question may say as much about our parenting as anything else we do. It is not easy to admit our mistakes, but sometimes they are undeniable. At those times, we must re-evalutate, re-examine, and, occasionally, retract our previously imparted "wisdom." We must find the safety net below, be grateful for the second chance, and seize the opportunity to correct what was previously tipped too far to one side or the other.
