41

I'm sitting on the couch on my 41st birthday as I type this. It's raining and it has been a pretty ordinary day with little fanfare except for lunch with co-workers and lots of  "Happy Birthday" wishes. That's totally fine with me. I'm not very good at being the center of attention and a day with no crazy schedules to juggle and some simple time with my family is pretty much the best gift I can think of - along with a back rub and ordering in for dinner so I don't have to cook. Last year, I was less than excited about turning 40, but, obviously, I survived because here I am. 

It's fitting, I suppose, that this week's Finish the Sentence Friday prompt is "When I think about life's lessons" because milestones like birthdays have a way of making us look back at where we've been, what we've been through, and what we have learned. At 41, I've certainly learned a few things about life, but I'm certain I have a lot more to learn, too. I definitely don't have all the answers. Does anyone? 

A few things I've learned . . . . 
          
Work hard. There's rarely an excuse for giving less than your best. The final outcome may not be perfect or even very good, but you can still feel good about it if you gave it your all.

Be civil. I think, right now, our world needs a lot more of this one. You don't have to agree with everyone on every issue, but fighting about it almost NEVER solves the problem. Instead of arguing, TALK. Have an honest conversation. Be open to hearing someone else's point of view - not because you need to be persuaded into agreeing with them, but so that you can understand why they think and feel the way they do. Hopefully, they will return that respect.

Your parents were probably right. As I've gotten older and parented my own kids, I've heard my parents' voices in my head so many times. Occasionally, I hear them coming out of my mouth, too! I'm sure I rolled my teenage eyes or mumbled under my breath about how ridiculous their advice was. Now, I'm telling my children many of those same things and they are rolling their eyes at me. Karma. 

Don't be afraid to ask for help. This is one I'm sure I learned the hard way and that I tried to teach my middle daughter just today. We sometimes make ourselves crazy trying to do something - or lots of things - because we are afraid that asking for help makes us look weak. On the contrary, I believe asking for help takes courage and a real self awareness to know when it's time to reach out to someone else. 

Love deeply. Days may seem long, but life is short. Tell the people you love that you love them every chance you get because tomorrow isn't guaranteed. That sounds super cliche, I know, but it's true! 

Laugh. Smile. Find joy. Again, life is too short to spend it focusing on the negative things. Find the positive. Be a glass-half-full kind of person.

Everyone is struggling with something, so be kind. It may be something obvious like the loss of a loved one or an illness. However, it may also be something that you never see like personal finances or depression. Big or small, major or minor, everyone has their crosses to bear. Be kind. Offer joy.

Be yourself. I've struggled most of my life with accepting myself and learning to love myself just as I am. But, I don't think I've ever tried to make myself into someone I'm not. After all, there's nobody else on earth who is just like me - the good, the bad, and the ugly. If you spend your energy being "fake," you - or someone else - will almost surely end up disappointed. 

And, finally . . . . 

Birthdays really aren't so bad. No matter what your age, birthdays are as joyful or depressing as you make them. As my dad says, having another birthday is better than the alternative! 

By the way, my most favorite thing I've ever written is also a list of lessons - Lessons I Want to Teach My Daughters. I've even considered turning it into a book. If you're up for a few more words of Golden Spoons Wisdom, check it out! :-) 

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Linking up with Kenya, Kristi, and lots of other FTSF-ers for Finish the Sentence Friday.

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August and Feeling Nostalgic

It's August, and, as usual l when this month rolls around, I am feeling rather nostalgic. You see, my husband, my oldest daughter, and my youngest daughter all have birthdays early this month. Top that off with back to school season which means moving up grades, and, well, I get a little sentimental.

It starts with the hubby's birthday. Now, as we get older, at least around here, birthdays get a little less momentous, so there was not a big celebration as his birthday came and went this year. In fact, it was a rather ordinary day. That doesn't mean, though, that it didn't have significance. Celebrating my husband's birthday makes me grateful for two things: 1) That he will always be older than me, so he can never ever tease me about my age, and 2) All that we have been through together. When I first met him, I wasn't even 20 yet and we got married long before either of us was 30! I see people that age now and think, "Gosh! They're such babies!" (And, I mean that in a sweet, affectionate way - not an insulting manner). But, we were babies, too - we jsut didn't realize it then. We thought we knew it all and had everything figured out. Since then, there have been job changes, moves, kids, financial ups and downs, lots of laughter, oodles of joy, and plenty of times we didn't quite see eye to eye. Birthdays and anniversaries are markers to measure the time we've spent together,how we've grown as individuals and as a couple, and to think about what the future might hold. 

Next, just three days later to be exact, comes my oldest daughter's birthday. This year she turned 15!! Kids' birthdays make me cross-eyed as I try to look forward and backward simultaneously. I thought back to the day she was born in 2002 - the labor pains, the joy, the fear. I looked forward to the next birthday when she'll get her driver's license, and a couple more after that when she will be a legal adult at 18. In only 5 years, she'll be 20. TWENTY!!! As the song says, "Don't Blink!" It feels like that day she was born was eons ago and only just yesterday all at the same time. When she was a baby and I was a new mom, there were days when it felt like we would never possibly be where we are today - for better and for worse. I love the amazing, independent, confident, tenacious young lady she has become (and is still becoming), but I would be lying if I said that part of me doesn't sometimes miss the curly haired, ruffle wearing, Elmo loving toddler she used to be. 

After that, I get exactly 24 hours of respite from the wistfulness, and, then, it's my youngest daughter's birthday. This year, her day is extra special because she turns 10! That means everyone in my house will be in double digits. Again, it's milestones like these that send me into a whirlwind of memories from the past and visions of the future. I think about she when she was born, surprising us all by weighing in at just over 10 pounds. I think about the first few weeks with her at home. She was born exactly two weeks before the oldest started kindergarten and their two year old sister was in the middle. Those days are a blur in my rearview because I spent most of them in an exhausted, overwhelmed fog. Fortunately, she was a pretty easy baby who, like most third kids, had no choice but to adjust to the schedules already dictated by her older sisters. To make her birthdays even more heart wrenching, she has always been my most sentimental kid who often daydreams about going back to "being little" or to "when we used to have special Mommy and E days." Sigh . . . . .She often doesn't want to grow up and I often wish that my "baby" was still a baby so I could savor it a little bit more than I did (or could) back then. However, she is growing up into one of the sweetest, most compassionate kids I've ever known that that is something pretty special to experience, too.

OK . . . deep breath here. I need a minute to let all that emotion settle down.

Now, then . . . 

As if all that birthday sentimentality wasn't enough this month, August also brings the back to school season, of course, which is just another arrow taking target practice on my heart. My oldest has already started back to school - 10th grade, which means, by the end of this year, she will be half way finished with high school and about a billion steps closer to leaving for college. My middle daughter starts 7th grade which means this is her last year with no really major milestones - which actually IS kind of a milestone. Next year will be filled with high school choices, "make the most of the moment" moments, and last times. I have to remind myself not to get so caught up in what's coming next year that I miss this one. Finally, the youngest starts 5th grade. At their school, 5th is considered part of the middle school, so I officially no longer have any elementary school kids. No more class holiday parties (Yay! I think) and she won't think it's cool to have her mom chaperone the field trips anymore - maybe. I suppose that, with every school year, there are always firsts and lasts. It's par for the course, but when it comes on the heels of so much birthday reminiscence, it's just a little bit harder to swallow. 

Yep. It's August and another round of flashbacks and forecasts has me reeling. I can't believe my babies are growing up so much and so fast. I suppose all parents feel that way, though - especially when birthdays come around. I just trying to treasure the memories and delight in the future without forgetting to savor the moments that are right in front of me. 

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This post is linked up with Finish the Sentence Friday hosted by Kristi at Finding Ninee. This week's sentence was "It's August and I can't believe . . . ."
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The Angst of Almost 40

"Do you realize that we are the oldest people here?" my husband whispered in my ear.

"Yes!" I replied. "I was just noticing. When did THAT happen?!?!"

We were attending our niece's third birthday party. As David and I stood together looking out over the rest of the scene, there were swarms many little ones running around dressed up in princess dresses and superhero costumes. There were moms wearing sleeping infants and dads bouncing or bottle feeding babies. Meanwhile, our three daughters were the "big kids" who were helping with princess hairdos, temporary tattoos, and painting tiny fingernails. On the way there, we had been discussing the oldest one's impending Driver's Education classes. Now, as we stood there, we found ourselves in some kind of alternate universe.

Age never used to bother me and I always used to say that people just need to relax about birthdays and turning the next big number. Until recently, anyway. 

You see, my 40th birthday is just around the corner and, suddenly, my "age is just a number" attitude has turned into a  "Screw you, 40!" outlook. I want to flip 40 the bird, cuss it out, and punch it. It's messing with my mind and my emotions and I really just want to fast forward a few weeks to my birthday and get it over with - or, better yet, to a few weeks after my birthday when I can look back and say I survived. 

What makes 40 so bad you ask? Well, I'll tell you.

For starters, I started gaining weight a couple years ago. Despite dieting and a gym membership, I gained more (and didn't lose any). Good news - after two years, it seems that perhaps I have "settled in" to my new weight and stopped gaining. Bad news - that weight is 40 pounds and 3 pant sizes larger than I want to be. 

Next, is the crazy hormones. I get so grumpy that I get on my own nerves and the next minute I'm tearing up over some song on the radio. It's not just once a month, either. It's ALL. THE. TIME. It's like I have PMS 24 hours, seven days a week! 😫 I'm sure my husband and kids think that I'm completely losing my mind. Maybe I am. 

Also, it's like my biological clock has morphed into a ticking time bomb. After having my third baby, I was completely done having kids - never any doubt about it for me. I've never had any desire since then to have another baby and I've enjoyed the changes as my kids got older. In the past, if I was at a birthday party surrounded by a billion toddlers and crying babies, I'd be thinking "Better you than me!" Now, it's not so much that I want to get pregnant and have another baby (Heck no!!), but that I really, really miss when my girls were babies instead of the moody, surly tweens and teenager they have become. I miss my days being filled with dirty diapers and nap times, instead of precalculus, teacher conferences, and slamming doors. I want to zap my girls back into squishy little nuggets of pink and cuddles again. 

Then, there are these stupid hearing aids. Yep - you read that correctly. Early onset hearing loss runs in my family. Two years ago, I started having a constant ringing in my ears. When I went to the doctor, I was told that it was because I had some hearing loss and the ringing was actually my brain trying to replace the sound frequencies it could no longer hear. The only way to fix it was with hearing aids. I wasn't even remotely ready then, but after 24 months of the incessant ringing, I was seriously losing my mind. So, I decided that I had no choice but to at least try the hearing aids. I've had them for about 3 weeks and so far, they are not helping (as far as that tinnitus is concerned) and pretty much every minute of every day I loathe the discreet little devices and the fact that I need them. The timing of it all is like rubbing salt on the gaping wound of turning 40. (Also? I deleted and re-typed this paragraph three times because it's something I totally avoid talking about and try to hide as much as possible. Ultimately, I left it here out of spite and contempt for the whole thing.)

Finally, there's the ironic slap in the face that my 40th birthday will fall on Ash Wednesday this year. Seriously?!?! I work at a church so my schedule pretty much revolves around the Christian seasons such as Advent and Lent. Ash Wednesday is the first day of Lent - a season of 40 days that traditionally involves the giving up of something (fasting) in preparation for easter Sunday. While Easter is a joyous Christian celebration, the time of Lent leading up to the celebration is considered a time of reflection, penitence, and darkness. On Ash Wednesday in particular, the tradition is to have ashes imposed on the forehead in the shape of a cross while a pastor recites Genesis 3:19, "You are dust and to dust you will return." So, hearing that repeatedly as we enter a period of darkness on my big 4-0 day will just be AWESOME!!! 😜 (Ok - maybe this is being a little overdramatic, but please reference the previous paragraph about perpetual PMS.)

For many of my friends and family, turning 40 is a memory in their rearview mirror. They all survived, perhaps with the help of some new reading glasses or vitamin supplements and the addition of a few extra pounds, but they survived. I'm sure I will, too. I will conquer 40 and everything that comes with it. I'm hoping to discover that the angst of being almost 40 is actually much worse than the reality of being actually 40. Eventually, I'll hit 50 or 60 and, then, 40 probably won't seem so bad. For now, though, I'm going to wallow in self-pity, keep cursing under my breath, and go apologize to all the people I ever said "Age is just a number!" to.

Have any big birthdays been hard for you to swallow? 

To My Firstborn With Love

Thirteen years. That's how long it has been since you made me a mother. 

I remember finding out I was pregnant and not so patiently waiting for your arrival. I remember holding you in my arms and looking at your face for the first time. I was amazed by the wonder of your creation and so humbled that you were entrusted to me. 

My first days at home with you were not easy. Nursing didn't come simply and I felt inadequate. I had entered a whole new world that, sometimes, felt isolated and lonely. We made it through, though. We made it through together. 

We adjusted to our life and filled our days with playtime, naps on the couch, and adventures with friends. There was plenty of laughter and smiles. There were also plenty of tantrums and tears - yours and mine. 

Life kept changing as we rode along together. You started preschool. You sister was born. We moved away and back again. You started school and became a big sister one more time.  

Somehow, here we are, thirteen years later. I am older and, hopefully, wiser. You are (almost) officially a teenager and no longer the baby I once held in my arms. You challenge me daily, for better and for worse. You make me want to be somebody's hero. 

Once, on a particularly trying day when you were about two, I remember talking to a friend of mine. I was venting my frustrations about your tantrums and my exasperation as moms often do with one another. My friend said to me, "Lisa, you know why she frustrates you so much?" "Why?" I asked. "Because she is so much like you!" was the answer. I didn't see it so much back then, but as time has gone by, I do see it more. 

You are stubborn; headstrong; strong-willed. You can't stand to be wrong and you stick to your guns through thick and thin. That trait can be good. You will face many temptations through the next several years, but I am confident that you will not be easily swayed. Conversely, don't be so headstrong that you refuse to be open to new ideas or a different way of interpreting things. It's a fine line to balance, I know.

You are creative; a writer already. Pursue your passion. Chase your dream. When the going gets tough, pull out your notebook and just write. Write down your thoughts and your feelings. As the saying goes, the words will set you free.

You are intelligent. School comes easily to you, but don't become complacent. Challenge yourself and always continue to learn. Remember that even the smartest people make mistakes sometimes. 

The teenage years can be wonderful. They can also be tough. You are becoming a new person and, along with it, comes new feelings, new physical attributes, and new ideas. There will be times when you soar and times when you want to curl up in a corner and hide. 

We started this journey together, you and me, so, no matter what joys or struggles you face, know that I am always right by your side. You are my firstborn and you will always be my baby, no matter how big you may get. More often than I like, I have to open my arms and let you go a little, but my arms stay outstretched ready to wrap around you when you return and you will always fit perfectly into my embrace.

Happy 13th birthday, my love! What a ride it's been and we have so much further to go together! 

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This post was part of the One Word Blog Linkup hosted by, Janine of Confessions of a Mommyaholic and me! This week, the word prompt choices were Blessing and Absurd. If you would like to join the linkup you can find more information HERE, sign up for weekly emails HERE, and/or join our Facebook group HERE. Every Friday, two prompts are emailed. Choose one and write a post using that word as inspiration. Linkup up any time between 6:00am EST on Wednesday-9:00pm EST on Thursdays on any of the host sites.

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Whispers Running Through My Mind

This week, I sat down with the word prompts for today's post and waited for that elusive muse to come whisper inspiration in my ear, but I think she was on vacation. That left me with the following thoughts that I'm sharing in this "stream of consciousness" post. This is me thinking out loud.

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There are whispers of fall in the air. There are back to school ads and school supplies are on sale. Stores are putting out school uniform clothing and, last week, Target had a big display of jeans out in the girls clothing department. My girls' summer reading assignment deadlines loom heavy. Four more weeks until our alarm clocks shatter the summer routine of sleeping in.

Summers always seem to go by so fast, but this one in particular has simply flown by at light speed. Soon it will be done and I'm not ready.

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This time of year, I always hear whispers of the past. My oldest, youngest, and husband all have birthdays in the first 11 days of August. As my girls get older, I can't help but look back on the past. I remember birthdays that seem so long ago but also as if they happened just yesterday. I love watching them grow, but I miss the days when they were little.

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As those birthdays roll around, the past whispers in one ear and the future whispers in the other. My oldest will officially become a teenager in less than two weeks. She's been talking a lot lately about "when I get my driver's license" and reminded me that in just a year and a half, it will be time for her to start drivers' education classes. I am so incredibly NOT ready. 

My youngest will start third grade next month. Third grade?? That seems so old, but she still seems so little in many ways. She is my snuggler; my hugger. Rarely does she pass me without stopping for a hug or to plant a little kiss on my cheek. She will start third grade, but there are still hints of "my baby" in her.

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There are whispers of change that are beginning to get louder as my two youngest prepare to start a new school next month. It's a decision we made in the spring and have been anticipating for months. As reality approaches, though, one is excited; the other apprehensive. It will require many adjustments - new friends, new teachers, more travel time. I hope we made the right decision. I hope they will be happy there. I hope I will be happy there. 

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What whispers are running through your mind today?

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This post was part of the One Word Blog Linkup hosted by, Janine of Confessions of a Mommyaholic and me! This week, the word prompt choices were Blessing and Absurd. If you would like to join the linkup you can find more information HERE, sign up for weekly emails HERE, and/or join our Facebook group HERE. Every Friday, two prompts are emailed. Choose one and write a post using that word as inspiration. Linkup up any time between 6:00am EST on Wednesday-9:00pm EST on Thursdays on any of the host sites.

An InLinkz Link-up